I found this in my draft folder today as an unpublished piece that I started on three years ago. I share it with you now, untouched, because I can.
Sometimes I feel like my life is simply existing between big events.
There’s a lot of grinding away the day to day, always with my mind gearing up for major calendar events that are upcoming. Many weekdays are so unremarkable, they are often lost to a heavy fog of the blended days behind me . Occasionally, they seem so similar that they all muddle together, and I won’t be sure if I did ‘x’ on last Tuesday or this past Monday. I sit at home and write academic papers ad nauseam, and read books from dead men. After four years, I’m not sure If it was Chrysostom or Gregory of Nyssa said ‘y’, and I’m almost positive it doesn’t really matter.
But when those big events on the calendar to arrive, look out! I fill my social media with the big events (it often appears as if I am busy living a big, influential life). My social capital grows with each “check in” to a relevant venue or happening in the city. I exist to some as an influencer of scene, a validation of sorts for my peers as to where to go and be in the city. But in the end, every event has its time, and then it’s gone.
And I am left to cycle in the routine again until my calendar alerts me again.
This way of living is no way go about life. Continuing to miss the little things is a major error that I should fight against.