Like my previous post, here is another gem that’s about four years old that I never published. I don’t find it to be true for myself any more – but it was a confession, and that was the original intent of this blog. I feel a little strange sharing this one, as it seems like the megalomaniac in me shows a little, but maybe you have the same junk you have or are wrestling with. As per my M.O., I’m always down to talk about it if you’re interested.
It’s not hard to get my attention.
Here’s the play. In mentioning my name, retweeting me, tagging me, social-media-sizing me, I have instant consciousness of aforementioned invocation.
Kind of like Beetlejuice.
I didn’t realize the power you had over me until social forums Twitter became more mainstream. Don’t get me wrong; seeing my name in print (even in a weekly church bulletin that only a few hundred or so people saw) would have given Freud plenty to write concerning me. But the proliferation of technology truly released the kraken.
Oh, I said something witty and insightful, did I??? I said if for you!!
Did I make a funny face in a picture you took?? What a cad am I!!
Did I do something that inspired you?? Well, let me be your muse!!!
Have I done something you don’t approve of??? Bwahahahaha!! I am the scab you must pick at!!
Good or bad, the attention feeds me. The more I see my name mentioned, the more I consider whether the sun itself rotates around my brilliant/dastardly mind. When those little red circles on my phone pop up, the synapses in my brain fire, and I get a small adrenaline rush that I can only assume is the initial rush of any addict on first contact with their substance of choice.
aaaaaaaaaaaa, what a rush!
Now, look friend – I’m not asking you to stop linking to me (my future my depend on you sharing my content), or to ignore me if I come up with a procession of words that end up being meaningful to you. What I am offering is this; my humanity comes through most in my ego.
My drive in life is to help, to strengthen. I want your life to be better today than it was yesterday. I want you to capture a divine spark for whatever it is that you love. That I get to act in a life that creates anything for good is a soul-filling thought I exist so that you believe in the value of your existence.
My payment/recompense for that is that my ego drives me. I want you to need me. Isn’t that weird? Maybe that’s part of the DNA of people who are broken in the particular way I am.
All of the above considered, I do not like this current condition, and I hope to find a better way. May a divine humility bring the balance in my life that my own drive cannot figure out.