Like my previous post, here is another gem that’s about four years old that I never published. I don’t find it to be true for myself any more – but it was a confession, and that was the original intent of this blog. I feel a little strange sharing this one, as it seems like the megalomaniac in me shows a little, but maybe you have the same junk you have or are wrestling with. As per my M.O., I’m always down to talk about it if you’re interested.
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It’s not hard to get my attention.
Here’s the play. In mentioning my name, retweeting me, tagging me, social-media-sizing me, I have instant consciousness of aforementioned invocation.
Kind of like Beetlejuice.
I didn’t realize the power you had over me until social forums Twitter became more mainstream. Don’t get me wrong; seeing my name in print (even in a weekly church bulletin that only a few hundred or so people saw) would have given Freud plenty to write concerning me. But the proliferation of technology truly released the kraken.
Oh, I said something witty and insightful, did I??? I said if for you!!
Did I make a funny face in a picture you took?? What a cad am I!!
Did I do something that inspired you?? Well, let me be your muse!!!
Have I done something you don’t approve of??? Bwahahahaha!! I am the scab you must pick at!!
Good or bad, the attention feeds me. The more I see my name mentioned, the more I consider whether the sun itself rotates around my brilliant/dastardly mind. When those little red circles on my phone pop up, the synapses in my brain fire, and I get a small adrenaline rush that I can only assume is the initial rush of any addict on first contact with their substance of choice.
aaaaaaaaaaaa, what a rush!
Now, look friend – I’m not asking you to stop linking to me (my future my depend on you sharing my content), or to ignore me if I come up with a procession of words that end up being meaningful to you. What I am offering is this; my humanity comes through most in my ego.
My drive in life is to help, to strengthen. I want your life to be better today than it was yesterday. I want you to capture a divine spark for whatever it is that you love. That I get to act in a life that creates anything for good is a soul-filling thought I exist so that you believe in the value of your existence.
My payment/recompense for that is that my ego drives me. I want you to need me. Isn’t that weird? Maybe that’s part of the DNA of people who are broken in the particular way I am.
Pastors
Coaches
Professors
Doctors
Etc.
All of the above considered, I do not like this current condition, and I hope to find a better way. May a divine humility bring the balance in my life that my own drive cannot figure out.
A Consummate Confessional 